Vigilant of total disconnect

Falling

How painful it is when I am with other people but feel totally alone. My mind is scrambled with buzzing images, thoughts that I perceive are voices. And my feelings are everywhere… spiralling out of control. I need help and fast.

I ponder a totally disordered mind; the things I normally take for granted are not working properly. The inner critic is like the owner of a vicious dog who ties him up, starves him and beats him. This evil wants me to be unbalanced so that I can be dominated by mindless attachments. How can I slow down and connect? My heart is stuck in a coma of numbness. I tell myself it is better this way than having to listen to my feelings which appear so complicated. I tell people that I’m in top form, yet I am crumbling inside. How am I supposed to find peace in this chaos of being? How can I step back and see the big picture? How can I listen to the sound of sheer silence? Continue reading

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Vigilant of the ultimate gloom

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Oh, the heaviness, the despair, the sad, sad feeling of dread, of defeat. I feel like a dead body washed up on the beach, no good to anyone, no more living. And I feel as though it is all my fault, that I deserve to be dead.

I ponder the destructive state of dread. In terms of the inner critic, the pointed finger is replaced by a vicious dog foaming at the mouth. There is no more momentum. Just looking to my sinfulness and woefulness. My mind is in chaos: spiralling in negativity and fixed on the mud and darkness of the world. How can I be vigilant? My heart is also bruised and battered. It was once alive and well with the optimism of my dreams, but that has now receded leaving me to dwell on my uselessness and lack of productivity. I have no sense of gratitude and I feel far away from ‘God’ who desires to spur me to fullness of life. How can I get back my peace and serenity? Continue reading

Vigilant of the speed limit

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How does it all go so fast? Some people think I’m funny – cracking jokes, laughing aloud. I’m the life of the party. But then again this is usually when people are drinking. I’ll be cackling hysterically at absolutely nothing.

I wonder about this destructive state of delusion. I mean how far am I removed from reality here? What about the inner critic? Perhaps it is convincing me to stay high and hyper. Perhaps it is a silent killer, telling me not to listen to calm and stillness but to hear the “boom boom boom” of the nightclub or social gathering. My sense of the heart is also quite removed. If I was once close to this beating drum, then it is no longer the case. I am unconscious and unaware of the nearness of ‘God’. My back is turned and I am inflicting pain on myself. But, is there a way to consolation again? Is there a way to reorder the mind and reconcile the heart? Continue reading

Vigilant of intolerance

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Where is the heart? For it feels so distant. A numbness is there… something is gnawing on me but I don’t know what to do. Where is the passion – for life, the normal pleasures, the simple satisfactions? How can I channel my time and energy?

I wonder what is preventing me from being OK right now. There is an invitation to be balanced but I find myself reacting to my circumstances. Perhaps I am caught up in the memory of the highs and lows, perhaps the inner critic wants me to remain forever discontent. How can I reorder the glitter of my mind and connect with something real? And then my heart is so far away. I have escaped my life with a gnawing numbness. There is no fire in my belly, just heartless impulses. How can I turn to an inner transformation – to tune into the true light that is already shining? To be dynamically attracted to a bigger purpose, a heartfelt gratitude for life. Continue reading